Ray Holt April 21, 1944 - August 14, 2010

Ray at our Wedding, April 26th, 1997

Ray doing his life trade - approximately 1984

I have been waiting to do this post for a week and a half.  My father - in-law passed away last week of pneumonia.  He suffered from Alzheimers for the last 2 years.    My heart is aching so much, I find myself tearing up while I am doing my everyday routine.  Everywhere I look, something reminds me of him.  I know that I have to remember all the memories that I have created with him and share with my family. 

Ray,Kennedy, and I  - Christmas 1998

One thing I know for sure, is he loved his family, especially his children and grandchildren.  Like President Allen said, in some ways this was his fault, he loved them too much.  I remember him being over protective of our children.  Ofc. Holt and I have had several discussions about his dad taking over our children like they belonged to him.  Funny to me now, but at the time a serious issue.  I loved Ray.  I knew how much he loved us and cared about us that it swells my heart with pride.  He was so proud of us... i know this to be true.

He was so hard headed, I mean it!  I have never in my life met anyone like him.  When Ofc. Holt and I decided to live across the street from him, he moved us all by himself.  He couldn't wait until Ofc. Holt got off work, it had to be done, and so by himself, he packed up his horse trailer with all of our belongings and moved us in one day.  He had a smile on his face the entire time.  He was so excited, he could barely control himself.

Every Friday night, from the time we moved in till Lil'Colby turned school age, he asked for Bub to spend the night.  He loved him, he loved them all.

You could always depend on Ray.  No matter what obstacle Ofc. Holt and I would have in our young marriage, Ray gave all to ensure our happiness.  He loved his youngest son, so much.  I know that Ray's mind started going in 2004, but he couldn't have been more proud of Ofc. Holt when he graduated from the Police Academy.

 Ray was incredibly strong.  Up until two years ago he used to ride his bike from our home in Laveen,to the top of South Mountain, and back.  He Rodeo for 17 years and was a gymnast in College.

The funeral was amazing, and I know that is kind of a strange thing to say, but that is the word that describes it.  Tod and Ofc. Holt did such an amazing job in celebrating their father's life.  You were able to feel the love of family in that chapel, and I know I will never forget how I felt that day.  We will always love you!  God be with you til' we meet again.

I am going to miss you, Cowboy!

End of summer

Well the dreaded day is here... the day before I return to work.  I have been an emotional wreck.  Some may think it is ridiculous for me to be crying and upset... but I AM.  During the summer I can be that perfect mom:

1. I make cookies with the kids, just because

2. assist them on things they need extra help with like multiplication tables

3. cook an actual dinner and enjoy it

4.  allow friends to come over

5.  cuddle with Marley on the couch without a hundred things running through my mind

6.  watch the sun set from my back porch swing while listening to Don Williams or George Strait

7.  talk to Ofc. Holt about little things, nothing too important

8. go grocery shopping without a time constrant

9.  do laundry because I can, not because we have no clean clothes!

10. do the dishes when I feel like it

11.  Scrapbook and play with the cricut

12.  search the internet for crafts that I would like to do

13.  go shopping on other days besides Saturday

14.  enjoy my Saturdays instead of running around like a mad woman because it is my only day to run errands

15.  I can continue but I think you see my point...

I am sad, so sad... Ofc. Holt told me today that I needed to find a new job if I didn't like the one I am doing, but wait... I love my job!  It is just the chaos I feel the entire time from August to May!  The guilt I feel from not taking my kids to church activities because I have too many things to do, or just wiped out from the week.  Or feeling like I have to schedule time with my husband because we never see each other.  I hate feeling to tired to help my kids with homework or my patience has official ran out because I had a rough day, or my yucky commute 2 hours a day... the guilt, the guilt, the guilt just builds up...  

Did I mention that I hate meetings?  School meetings, one of the biggest waste of my time... that is what I'll be doing for the next 3 days... AAAAAAA!!!!!