So I haven't been on here in forever... just a little busy being a mom, and all the other hats I wear (I won't go into them too much). Anyway, I have been meaning to take a moment to blog, and since I have been carrying a lot of sadness, I guess this is cheaper than therapy. :)
1989, the year is as clear as day. My little world came crashing down on me... the little perfect life I had once known, vanished, in a flash. It was September and the days were getting shorter, and the weather was getting cooler. School just started, and I was going to a new school. "The new kid" is something all of us experience at one time or another, but it was a new feeling, a good feeling for me. I felt important because my parents were now driving me to a really good school. We lived in a rough neighborhood and my school became unsafe.
It was the year my mom turned 30, she seemed so old a mature, looking back I realize she was still just a very young mom. A dark family secret had surfaced, something I would rather not talk about, but would like to talk about the events that took place around this secret. For me it was a not a secret, and only a few would share. It was a Wednesday night, just like any normal school night. There was a visitor at the door, my Aunt who had lived next door. She took my mother in the bedroom and my mom came out with a very strange look on her face. She looked mad, and for some reason I felt like it had something to do with me. I would later learn, the following day, that as unfortunate as it was, I was in the middle of this family "secret".
Days would pass by, and I was interrogated by a couple of family members. Now, I use the word interrogated like it was a bad thing, but it wasn't (I guess it is just the cop wife inside of me). They asked me several questions, which left them with no choice but to believe the allegations. In the days to come, I watched my extended family rally together, they rallied for all who were involved. It doesn't surprise me to this day that they rallied around the victims of such secret, but what I always wondered about was the rally around the "other one". I remember thinking, "Wow, my family is so forgiving, they love each other so much, that no matter what the case may be, they are always there for each other."
October came, and my brother got real sick. My father was self employed and we didn't have good insurance, but my parents didn't have a choice, they had to take him to Good Sam. He was extremely dehydrated, and was admitted to the hospital. He was tested for a few things, but a resident doctor recommended that he be tested for Cystic Fibrosis. Two weeks passed, and the call came from the hospital. He tested positive... I remember hearing my mother screaming and crying (which was normal lately) and I thought it was still about what recently happened, then I heard the words, "Are you sure he has it? Are you sure?" She ran outside and hid behind the truck. Being a 12 year old little girl, I too wanted to know what was going on?
I don't remember exactly when I was told my brother had a terminal disease that would eventually take his life, but again, the haze came. I was crushed to find out something was wrong with my little brother.
Now, back to the point of this blog, my extended family, they rallied once again. I remember everyone being there for my parents, but it wasn't anything unusual. The entire family would come together every weekend, I remember hugs were given out. I can remember my uncles would come up and give me a hug and ask me if I was okay. Everyone was there... everyone.
2011- almost 23 years after one of the most altering years of my life, I am sitting in front of a computer, wondering... "what happened?"
The family that was so close, supportive, FORGIVING, loving, caring, those rallyers (is that a word?), where have they all gone?
Forgiveness is a choice (not in my book, but some may argue its a choice). You can pick and chose what you want to forgive. But my personal beliefs are: If you want to be a happy person, a loving person, a good person, a person of integrity, faith, good works, kind hearted, I can continue but I think you get the point, you have to forgive. You HAVE to forgive to have room for love in your heart. If you don't forgive, you may say you are the person I described above, but I know you are not. You just can't be if you don't have sincere forgiveness in your heart. There will be no room for love.
If you haven't figured it out, my extended family is in total chaos right now... the back biting, rudeness, unkindness, murmurings, lies, and meanness, well it is taking its toll on me. I have to forgive... because it's not a choice. I love myself too much to walk around with anger, I want to wear that smile on my face, and it be sincere. Because that is just who I am.
I love the gospel, and I am so thankful for all the lessons on forgiveness. I get it now... I really do.
8 hours ago